PART 3: Measuring Virtue: Impossible?
How can I possibly know how humble I am? Am I 10 units more humble than last week? How do I compare against the church’s average?
These are all fair questions.
The first key insight is that humility is not a thing that you can measure.
It is too big. It is too general. Just like basketball’s concept of “Shooting ability.”
Shooting Isn’t Measurable, But Shooting Skills Are
Shooting ability is a real concept, but there is no way to measure it.
In basketball, there are many skills that make up your shooting ability:
- Free throw shooting
- 10 foot, catch and shoot, while squaring up from a sideline pass.
- Wide open three point shot.
- Off the dribble, contested 17 foot fade-away.
- Reverse lay ups in traffic.
A person’s “shooting ability” needs to account for all of these and much more.
Each component is meaningful and objectively measurable but this does not mean “shooting” is objectively measured. There are likely hundreds of components and there is no correct way to combine them all into a single statistic.
Each skill must be developed. If you can shoot free throws well, that doesn’t mean you are great at contested off the ball 3-point shots. They are different skills. But generally as you improve one skill, you make it easier to improve the others.
Shooting ability is real as it unites all the individual components in a meaningful way. Developing one of the skills necessary to rebound (e.g. boxing out) doesn’t help you with your reverse layup the same way another shooting skill (e.g. off-balance fadeways) does.
To become a better shooter: you select a skill, you practice it, and you track your results.
Virtue Isn’t Measurable, but Character Skills Are
Virtues (like humility) aren’t directly measurable. There are too many skills.
A humble person …
- Doesn’t speak negatively about others unless required.
- Praises others for the skills they are most proud of themselves.
- Forgives easily, understanding their own imperfections and need for forgiveness.
- Accepts criticism with grace, happy for a chance to grow and does not see it as an attack on their ego.
- Rejoices in other people’s successes or good fortune without feeling diminished by them.
A person’s “humility” is all this and much more.
Each component is meaningful and objectively measurable but this does not mean “humility” is objectively measured. There are likely hundreds of components and there is no correct way to combine them all into a single statistic. But I can count how often I speak negatively about others or how often I praised others for intelligence.
Each skill must be developed. Because your hold your tongue well, doesn’t automatically make you great at forgiveness. But generally, as you improve in one skill, you make it easier to improve the others.
Humility is real as it unites all the individual components in a meaningful way. Developing one of the skills necessary to be brave (e.g. not avoiding difficult conversations) does not help you with praising others the same way another character skill for humility does (celebrating another person’s successes). That said, all the virtues do ultimately contribute to a single master virtue (See post).
To become more humble: you select a skill, you practice it, and you track your results.
Tips to Finding the Right Character Skills
Identifying Character Skills is a Creative, Evolutionary Process
Some character skills are merely enacting classic pithy statements of wisdom. But there is room to find the skills that are helpful to you.
In basketball, there are classic ball-handling drills where you cross over the basketball or do figure eights. But creative people come up with new skills to master.
For example, Steph Curry found that if you are able to do stationary cross overs while throwing a tennis ball against a wall and catching it, your brain ends up finding cross overs in a game really easy. Brilliant!
But as you search for new skills, you will find you try many that are not helpful and you’ll discard. In this sense, it’s evolutionary.
One helpful character skill I tried was “The Secret Good.” I noticed that I would do a bunch of chores around the house and then I would itemize them all for my wife when I saw her. Taken at its best, I wanted her to know that I loved her, that I was thinking of her and I did these things to make her life better. However, its easy for it to become an exchange. I do nice things for her, then I get praised by her. So, for three weeks, I attempted to master the character skill of “The Secret Good.” I would do all these good things and not tell her. Sometimes she noticed, sometimes she didn’t. But as I did them, I did them purely so she could enjoy them, no husband points necessary, just a pure desire for her good. That was helpful and still impacts me.
One unhelpful character skill I tried was “Transform Worries.” The idea was to not fear any future. Instead when you imagine a future you dislike, imagine your heavenly Father present and play out the different, even bad scenarios. The challenge was that there generally isn’t a “moment” of worry. Worry tends to be this brooding thing happening below the surface. Furthermore, I never ended up taking time to go through the exercise because I didn’t really feel like it would help. Its not that I didn’t master it, it’s that it didn’t get any traction as an exercise.
Select a Skill That Is Appropriately Difficulty
To develop any skill you must first assess your level and start with an appropriate level of difficulty. Duolingo, Personal Fitness Training, Math Tutors they all try to find the right level to begin with.
If you find yourself addicted to your phone, your first step is not to “stop using my phone for non-essential usage.” You are likely to fail over and over again and get discouraged. Instead, try “leave my phone for 2 hours on the stand by the front door, and if I need to use it, use it at the stand.” Here you’re learning to make your phone a less convenient tool.
Find a skill that you can master, master it, then select another.
Note: being able to come up with character skills and make sure they are the right level is a skill in it’s own right. Ask for help.
Pick a Character That is Relevant
If you are struggling with a vice right now, then pick the virtue that counteracts it and look for some character skills to focus on for that virtue.
Each role we have in life needs specific virtues. Firefighters, young mothers, CEOs, children of aging parents, athletes, artists - they each have a special mix of virtues that are most needed. Look at your roles and what virtues you need and then look for some characters skills to focus on for that virtue.
You Need Reps
If you pick something like “Give away a big amount of money every time you win the lottery”, you will only get to do that once in a lifetime (if you are lucky!) Or perhaps you pick something like “Write a kind email to the person who insults you” but you rarely do this becuase you rarely get insulted.
You need to pick something where you have multiple opportunities each day to exercise the character skill. This is how you prepare for the rare shows of virtue.
Character Skills Can be Non-Moral
There is nothing inherently moral about leaving your phone by a stand (see example above). However, it’s a critical step in mastering a phone addiction.
Francis DeSales’ Advice On Picking a Virtue to Focus On
Francis De Sales has miscellaneous advice on selecting a focus in Introduction to the Devout Life.1
- Don’t look down on people who aren’t focused on your pet virtue.
- Each virtue is appropriate at different moments, don’t foist yours onto every occasion
- Some virtues belong everywhere, some only on rare occasions.
- Pick a virtue which is most according to our duty, rather than our taste.
- Pick the most excellent virtues, not the most showy.
- If you struggle with a vice, choose the oppose virtue for your special aim
- Be OK with your stage of virtue (scrupulosity isn’t a concern for the new, but is for the mature)
- Think well of those imperfectly practicing virtue
- Lean on those whom God gave us as guides
The Magic of Counting: How to do it
Once you have a character skill, you need to construct the rules on how to count points.
The key is not to create the ‘correct’ scoring system. You can score however you want.
You need the scoring system to be simple and consistent. Simple, because otherwise you won’t score it. Consistent, otherwise you can’t tell if you are improving.
Vague Scoring Rules Can be OK
If you find that you have a vague scoring system (1 point every time you stop and help someone) but it’s working for you, no need to change. If you are starting to notice people who need help, and you find yourself changing your behavior, and it’s reflected in your scores - great! No need to think further about it.
Only make the scoring system more clear if vagueness is a problem.
Counting Negatives
When you are tracking something you are trying to stop, like complaining, it is better to start with 3 points (or 5, or whatever) and then lose points each time you complain. This keeps points as a positive thing. This means when you are first learning to stop a habit you do 50 times a day, you don’t need to keep counting all 50.
Counting Decisions
The idea “The Secret Good” as a character skill was great and it helped transform part of me. But the scoring system took a little work. If you decide to clean the kitchen and two bathrooms, do you get 3 points? 1 point? Do you score based on time?
In the end, my rule of thumb was “each decision was a point.” I don’t decide to move a spoon out of the dishwasher, and then make a separate decision to move a cup out of the dishwasher. I just decide to empty the dishwasher. Or sometimes, I just make a decision to clean the whole kitchen.
Again, there is no right or wrong way.
You just need an easy to understand mechanism so you can see yourself improving rather than inadvertently changing how you count.
Considering Time and Difficulty
I generally do not score based on time, it’s too hard to track. Also, I don’t rate how big or hard something is, just whether or not it happened. Again, it feels too complex otherwise.
An Example of a Less Effective Character Skill
Let’s assume a valid definition of Mercy is: empathy in action.
One challenge I found was that I was busy. I wouldn’t stop, so I needed to focus on actually stopping to help. So I made the following character skill
| Character Skill | Definition |
|---|---|
| Stop and Help | When you see an immediate need that interferes with your schedule, address it. Each time you stop, you get a point. |
It seemed fine when I started, but in practice this definition was too unsophisticated.
A bunch of questions came up and I had to refine “what counts”?
- Does Benevolence Count? My buddy and his dad notified me last minute they were in town. I adjusted my day so we could have lunch. It meant a lot to them, it was definitely an interruption, but they weren’t in dire needs. They would never phrase this as “Kent helped us out.” They would say “Kent was kind to meet with us.”
- Standard Etiquette. Stopping to look at the dresses my wife and daughter bought is what I always do, even when it’s an interruption. But I’m not choosing to do an optional task. They said “Come look at our dresses.” I’d have to be jerk to say “No, I’m too busy.”
- Size was not considered. Stopping to help someone pick up their books in the hallway is a different investment of time than helping someone repair their car.
- Spontaneity vs Regularity. Technically, cleaning the dishes is no one’s job in the house, but I often do them. It is definitely a help to my wife when she is busy. Is that stopping and helping?
- Follow up Requests. When you stop and help someone, they will often ask you to do something else for them. For example, one person’s follow up request was for me to review their resume. Is that a second “Stop and Help” even though it was now planned and not spontaneous. What about a multi-day project like repairing a car.
This isn’t about legalism or being pedantic. You want the character skill to be something that is helpful in your quest. I wanted to unleash empathy by removing the roadblock that I felt I was too busy to stop and help.
You are need to develop a character skill which sharpens your focus.
Here is a better way of thinking about this character skill:
I was trying to fix a part of me resists making space for people because I want to accomplish things. So build for this.
| Character Skill | Definition |
|---|---|
| Make Space to Make Others Happy | Aquinas defines mercy as an action rooted in the will to do good (benevolentia) towards others, particularly when they are in a state of need. This need may be physical (like poverty or hunger) but can also be emotional or spiritual (like loneliness or lack of joy or missing you). If some opportunity to relieve pain or add joy arises and if there is friction (you want to prioritize work or your calendar) but you instead choose to do good, that is a point. If this requires multiple jobs or tasks, each one counts for a point. |
There is no friction to overcome when I clean, I do it naturally (so it doesn’t count). Hosting my friend was something that would bring him joy, but my instinct was to say I had to work (so it does count). I didn’t have an option as to whether to look at the dresses, merely my attitude I’d take (so it doesn’t count). Follow up requests are new jobs (so doing the resume was another point).
Now that I have a clearer vision of what I’m trying to achieve, I can have greater focus, and that’s why you do the work to figure out how to count properly.
That said, it got a little complicated and I didn’t like it. HOWEVER, it made a difference and that’s what matters. After 3 weeks, I found I was far more aware of all the times I was not making space for people, and was intentionally choosing people over accomplishments.
The Value of a Well Defined Character Skill
It takes work to filter for the useful character skills. But note that what’s useful to one person may not be useful to another.
An Example: Some Character Skills for Mercy
If we define Mercy has as “Empathy in Action”, then here are potential character skills:
| Name | Description | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| Fast From Judgement | Do not comment on someone’s character, clothing style, speaking ability (or anything else) unless its required. | When we judge someone as ‘rude’ or ‘a jerk’ or ‘incompetent’ we are less likely to want to help them. Our empathy gets shut down because we imagine them as worse than we are. |
| Annoyance to Compassion | When someone annoys you, use it as a signal that you should instead think compassionately about their situation, not yours. | Annoyance is empathy misdirected. When someone acts out and inconveniences us, we think about all the ways they are bad, rather than all the ways there hard life lead them to this point. Annoyance cuts off our empathy towards others. |
Story of the flight. Story of Flair.
Humility is the soil in which all the virtues grow. In these situations we need to think about others and there situation rather than ourselves (and how much better we are).
All Virtues lead to love and in this case, these steps are preparing us to start making people the object of our affection and concern rather than our spite.
Shooting Skill Bolstered Indirectly Via Exercises
Sometimes you will need to do exercises that help indirectly. For example, if you get to the fourth quarter and your legs are getting too tired to shoot a three pointer, you need to do muscular endurance work on your legs. It’s not directly practicing the skill, but it ultimately helps your performance.
Sometimes the exercises connection to the skill is more subtle: wrist flexibility, eye focus, or something else.
A thorough understanding of physiology and sport is needed.
Character Skills Bolstered Indirectly Via Exercises
This area is experimental as we are still developing a data-based physiology of the soul. Even this has it’s challenges.2
Suppose that the virtue of patience is defined as suffering without complaint. A character skill might be don’t complain about your boss. But suppose I am struggling. I may want to find an easier character skill (e.g. don’t complain about your boss at home), or perhaps I may want to use an exercise.
For example, I could …
Take cold showers 10 days in a row.
As part of the character skill, you can’t tell others about the cold showers (no showing off). You can’t be demonstrative in the shower as the cold hits. You just take discomfort and don’t try to share it with anyone via complaining (or bragging).
Theoretically, this work because …
Cold shower makes you suffer. By forcing yourself to do something and not complain, you are exercising the same muscle required to not complain about your boss.
The neat thing about an exercise is that you can choose to do it. In life, you have to wait until there is some reason to complain about your boss. But your boss could be away on holidays for 2 weeks and so there is no temptation to complain. However, exercises are always at your disposal anytime you want.
A knowledge of the physiology of the soul is needed. A chiropractor can adjust your neck to solve your knee pain because they understand how the body is connected …
Complexities and Learnings
Overlapping Character Skills
If you put two character skills that too closely resemble each other, you may find that there is a situation where you aren’t sure where to place the “point.” The action is simple, decide to not track one of them.
Character Skills Are Highly Contextualized
Individual character skills need to be customized per person.
For me to practice this character skill …
Praises others for the skills they are most proud of themselves.
… it must become …
Praises others for their intelligence.
I might be most tickled when someone praises my intelligence, but you may value strength or handiness instead.
Different character skills are needed per person
What humility looks like when my 12 year old son plays lazer tags with his buddies is different than what it looks like when a CEO is doing employee evaluations.
Earlier we noted a character skill for humility was:
do not say anything negative (true of false) about another person unless absolutely necessary.
But this this character skill is quite different in each context.
Business Leader As a leader in a business, it is necessary to make evaluations of people’s performance. But there are times I may repeat a negative result purely because I’m a gossip, or someone has fallen out of favor with me and I wish others to have the same opinion too. I must learn which contexts are not OK to repeat my negative evalutions.
14 Year Old Playing Lazer Tag There is innocent chest-pounding among the boys that is part of the fun. One of the self-confident boys may be OK with being teased about a low score. But there can be a line crossed when boy who is self-conscious is teased by someone who himself is struggling, but that may make him feel terrible. My son must learn when commenting on someone else’s weakness is fun for the other and when it isn’t.
The skills necessary to know where those lines are, are difficult. They are acquired through practice, not reading books.
Learn from the Gray Areas, Measure the Black and White
We can’t measure the gray areas, because we don’t know what we ought to have done with certain.
For example …
When does a situation call for you to repeat someone’s shortcomings. Perhaps the executive should know about the shortcomings in case they were considering going to that person for advice.
Don’t worry if you aren’t certain if you did the right thing. Take your best guess and then learn from the results.
We are trying to measure situations where we are confident on what we ought to have done. If there are black and white situations and we can see ourselves making process, we have a useful approach for growing in virtue.
Measurements Often Don’t Have Comparative Value
We measure so we can manage some behavior. In business, a piece of folk wisdom is:
You can’t manage what you don’t measure.
The intent here is to manage your own growth. You are measuring your character skills. The fact you can’t compare your stats to someone else is irrelevant.
Note that challenges exist when you compare as innocuous things such as ‘points’ in a basketball game.
- Scoring 30 Points in an NBA game is different than scoring 30 points in a little league game.
- The rules changed vastly over time, including introducing the 3 point line
- Some leagues have stop time, some have running time. Some have different lengths of time.
- In a little league, playing time can depend on nepotism, you can’t sore if you don’t play.
Focus on your objective development.